You have looked up high and low,
And now you have found
Where the poems go!

Okay, so I'm a bad poet. But don't let that stop you in the way of these
great C&H poems!

Tranquil Tiger

This tiger is sprawled
So still and so flat
A question arises
When glancing thereat-
Is he asleep?
To be perfectly frank
He looks more as if
He was creamed by a tank!

Tranquil Tiger 2

My tiger is deep
In somnolent sleep
Dreaming of chases remembered
His keen eyes are glinting!
He dreams of a sprinting
Sambar who'll soon be dismembered 

The G.R.O.S.S. Song

Attention! all rise! This meeting of G.R.O.S.S.
Is now called to order by the great grandiose
Dictator for life, the ruler supreme,
The fearless the brave, the held-high-in-esteem,
Calvin the Bold! Yes stand up and hail
His humbleness now! May his wisdom prevail!

Three cheers for first tiger and el presidente
Hobbes, the delight of all cognoscenti!
He's savvy! He has a prodigious IQ,
and lots of panache, as all tigers do!
In his fancy chapeau, he's a leader with taste!
May his orders be heeded and his views be embraced!

Oooh, G.R.O.S.S.,
The best club in the cosmos...

Haiku

Twitching tufted tail,
A toasty tawny tummy,
A tired tiger. 

The Snow Song

Snow, snow!
High and low!
Wherever we go!
Let it blow!
To and fro!
Hi-de-ho!
Snow! Snow! Snow! 

Gross Passwords

Tigers are mean
Tigers are fierce
Tigers have teeth
And claws that pierce.

Tigers are great
They can't be beat
If I was a tiger
That would be neat!

Tigers are nimble
And light on their toes
My REspect for tigers
Continually grows.

Tigers are perfect
The e-pit-o-me
Of good looks and grace
And quiet dignity!

Tigers are great
They're the toast of town
Life's always better
When a tiger's around!

The Snowball Prayer

Oh lovely snowball, packed with care
Smack a head that's unaware.

Then with freezing ice to spare
Melt and soak through underwear.

Fly straight and true, hit hard and square,
This, oh snowball, is my prayer. 

The 'I'm very sorry' song
Here's the 'very sorry song'
Won't you help and sing along?

Bum bum bum

I blew it!

He's sorry

I knew it!

So sorry

I'm very very sorry that I took your precious flaaggg! 

Just don't do it any more, you scurvy scalawaagg!

Science Fiction Story

The aliens came
From a far distant world
In a large yellow ship
That blinked as it twirled.
It rounded the moon
And entered our sky
We knew they had come
But we didn't know why

Bright the next morning
With noisy commotion,
The ship moved
Out over the ocean.
It lowered a tube
And drained the whole sea
For transport back home
To their galaxy.

The tube then sucked up
The clouds and the air,
Causing no small amount
Of earthling despair.
With nothing to breathe
We started to die
"help us! Please stop!"
Was the public outcry

A hatch opened up
And the aliens said,
"We're sorry to learn
That soon you'll be dead,
But though you may find
This slightly macabre,
We prefer your extinction
To the loss of our job."

The dad who lived to regret being mean to his kid

Barney's dad was really bad,
So Barney hatched a plan.
When his dad said "Eat your. peas!"
Barney shouted "No!" and ran.

Barney tricked his mean ol' dad
And locked him in the cellar,
His mom never found out where he'd gone
Cause Barney didn't tell her

There his dad spent his life,
Eating mice and gruel.
With every bite for fifty years
He was sorry he'd been cruel.

THE END  

A Quandary

Mom once said she loved me
Just the way I am,
So I wonder what would happen
If I became a clam

If her son was gray and grimy
Slippery and slimy
An oversized hors d'oeuvre,
Would mom still have the nerve? 

Math

While lying on my back to make
An angel in the snow,
I saw a greenish craft appear!
A giant UFO!

A strange unearthly hum it made!
It hovered overhead!
And aliens were moving 'round
In view ports glowing red!

I tried to run for cover, but
A hook that they had low'r'd
Snagged me by my overcoat
And hoisted me aboard!

Even then, I tried to fight,
And though they numbered many,
I poked them in their compound eyes
And pulled on their antennae!

It was no use! They dragged me to
A platform, tied me up,
And wired to my cranium
A fiendish suction cup!

They turned it on and current coursed
Across my cerebullum,
Coaxing from my brain tissue
The things I wouldn't tell 'em!

All the math I ever learned,
The numbers and equations,
Were mechanic'ly removed
In this brain-draining operation!

My escape was an adventure,
(I won't tell you what I did.)
Suffice to say, I cannot add,
So ask some other kid. 

The Indispensable Calvin & Hobbes Poem

I made a big decision a little while ago. 
I don't remember what it was, which prob'ly goes to show
That many times a simple choice can prove to be essential
Even though it often might appear inconsequential. 

I must have been distracted when I left my home because
Left or right I'm sure I went.(I wonder which it was!)
Anyway, I never veered: I walked in that direction
Utterly absorbed it seems, in quiet introspection. 

For no reason I can think of, I've wandered far astray.
And that is how I got to where I find myself today.

Explorers are we, intrepid and bold, 
Out in the wild, amongst wonders untold. 
Equipped with our wits, a map, and a snack, 
We're searching for fun we're on the right track! 

My mother has eyes in the back of her head! 
I don't quite believe it, but that's what she said. 
She explained that she'd been so uniquely endowed
To catch me when I did things Not Allowed. 
I think she must also have eyes on her rear. 
I've noticed her hindsight is unusually clear. 

At night my mind does not much care
If what it thinks is here or there. 
It tells me stories it invents
And makes up things that don't make sense. 
I don't know why it does this stuff. 
The real world seems quite weird enough. 

What if my bones were in a museum, 
Where aliens paid good money to see em? 
And suppose that they'd put me together all wring, 
Sticking bones on to bones where they didn't belong! 

Imagine phalanges, pelvis, and spine
Welded to mandibles that once had been mine! 
With each misassembled, the error compounded, 
The aliens would draw back in terror astounded! 

Their textbooks would show me in grim illustration, 
The most hideous thing ever seen in creation! 
The museum would commission a model in plaster
Of ME, to be called, "Evolution's Disaster"!

And paleontologists there would debate
Dozens of theories to help postulate. 
How man survived for those thousands of years
With teeth covered arms growing out of his ears! 

Oh, I hope that I'm never in such manner displayed, 
No matter HOW much to see me the aliens paid

I did not want to go with them. 
Alas I had no choice. 
This was made quite clear to me
In the threat'ning tones of voice. 

I protested mightily
And scrambled cross the floor. 
But though I grabbed the furniture, 
They dragged me out the door. 

In the car, I screamed and moaned. 
I cried my red eyes dry. 
The window down, I yelled for help. 
To people who passed by. 

Mom and Dad can make the rules
And certain things forbid, 
But I can make them wish that they
had never had a kid. 

Now I'm in bed, 
The sheets pulled up to my head. 
My tiger is here making Zs. 
He's furry and hot. 
He takes up a lot
Of the bed and he's hogging the breeze.  

Christmas Eve

On window panes, the icy frost
Leaves feathered patterns, crissed & crossed,
But in our house the christmas tree
Is decorated festively
With tiny dots of colored light
That cozy up this winter night.
Christmas songs, familiar, slow,
Play softly on the radio.
Pops and isses from the fire
Whistle with the bells and choir.

My tiger is now fast asleep
On his back and dreaming deep.
When the fire makes him hot,
He turns to warm whatever's not.
Propped against him on the rug,
I give my friend a gentle hug.
Tomorrow's what I'm waiting for,
But I can wait a little more.

A Nauseous Nocturne

Another night deprived of slumber,
Hours passing without number,
My eyes trace 'round the room. I lay

Dripping sweat and now quite certain
That tonight the final curtain
Drops upon my short life's precious play.

From the darkness, by the closet
Comes a noise, much like a faucet
Makes: a madd'ning drip-drip-dripping sound.

It seems some ill-proportioned beast,
Anticipating me deceased,
Is drooling poison puddles on the ground.

A can of Mace, a forty-five,
Is all I'd need to stay alive,
But no weapon lies within my sight.

Oh my gosh! A shadow's creeping,
Omnious and black, it's seeping
Slowly 'cross a moonlit square of light!

Suddenly a floorboard creak
Announces the bloodsucking freak
Is here to steal my future years away!
A sulf'rous smell noe fills the room
Heraldingmy imm'nent doom!
A fang gleams in the dark and murky gray!

Oh, blood-red eyes and tentacles!
Throbbing, pulsing ventricles!
Mucus-oozing pores and frightful claws!

Worse, in terms of outright scariness,
Are the suckers multifarious
That grab and force you in its mighty jaws!

This disgusting aberration
Of nature needs no mitivation
To devour helpless children in their beds.
Relishing despairing moans,
It chews kids up and sucks their bones,
And dissolves inside its mouth their li'l heads!

I know this 'cause I read it not
Two hours ago, and then I got
The heebie-jeebies and these awful shakes.

My parents swore upon their honor
That I was safe, and not a goner.
I guess tomorrow they'll see their sad mistakes.

In the morning, they'll come in
And say, "waht was that awful din
We heard last night? You kept us both from sleep!"

Only then will they surmise
The gruesomeness of my demise
And see that my remains are in a heap.

Dad will look at Mom and say,
"Too bad he had to go that way."
And Mom will look at Dad, and nod assent.

Mom will add, "Still, it's fitting,
That as he was this world quitting,
He should leave another mess before he went."

They may not mind at first, I know.
They will miss me later, though,
And perhaps admit that they were wrong.
As memories of me grow dim,
They'll say, "We were too strict with him.
We should have listened to him all along."

As speedily my end approaches,
I bid a final "buenas noches"
To my best friend here in all the world.
Gently snoring, whiskers seeming
To sniff at smells (he must be dreaming),
He lies snugled in the blankets, curled.

HEY! WAKE UP, YOU STUPID CERTIN!
YOU GONNA SLEEP WHILE I GET EATEN?!
Suddenly the monster knows I'm not alone!

There's an animal in bed with me!
An awful beast he did not see!
The monster never would've come if he had known!

The monster, in his consternation,
Demonstater defenestration,
And runs and runs and runs and runs away.

Rid of the pest,
I now can rest,
Thanks to my best friend, who saved the day.

The End. 

The Yukon Song

My tiger friend has got the sled,
And I have packed a snack.
We're all set for the trip ahead.
We're never coming back!

We're abandoing this life we've led!
So long, Mom and Pop!
We're sick of doing what youve said,
And now it's going to stop!

We're going where it snows all year,
Where life can have real meaning.
A place where we wont have to hear,
"Your room could stand some cleaning."

The Yukon is the place for us!
That's where we want to live.
Up there we'll ge to yell and cuss
And act real primitive.

We'll never have to go to school,
Forced into submission,
By monst, crabby teachers who'll
Make us learn addition.

We'll never have to clean a plate,
Of veggie glops and goos.
Messily we'll masticate,
Using any fork we choose!

The timber wolves will be our friends.
Well stay up late and howl,
At the moon, till nightmare ends,
Before going on the prowl.

Oh, what a life! we cannot wait,
To be in that arctic land,
Where we'll be masters of our fate,
And lead a life that's grand!

No more of parental rules!
We're heading for some snow!
Good riddance to those grown-up-ghouls!
We're leaving! Yukon Ho!

My Mom and Dad

My mom and my dad are not what they seem.
Their dull appearance is part of their scheme.
I know of their plans. I know their techniques.
My parents are outer space alien freaks!

They landed on earth in spaceships humongous.
Posing as grownups, they now walk among us.
My parents deny this, but I know the truth.
They're here to enslave me and spoil my youth.

Early each morning, as the sun rises,
Mom and dad put on their earthling disguises.
I knew right away their masks weren't legit.
Their faces are lined - they sag and don't fit.

The earth's gravity makes them sluggish and slow.
They say not to run, wherever I go.
They live by the clock. They're slaves to routines.
They work the year 'round. They're almost machines.

They deny that TV and fried food have much worth.
They cannot be human. They're not of this earth.
I cannot escape their alien gaze,
And they're warping my mind with their alien ways.
For sinister plots, this one is a gem.
They're bringing me up to turn me into them!

The Evil Santa Poem

My hands were all shaky
My hands are all pale.
A letter from Santa
Had just arrived in the mail.

It was hand written,
In old fashioned ink pen
It was handsomely written
And dated Twelve-Ten.

"Dear Calvin," it said
"I'm writing because
This year I've repealed
My naughty/nice laws.

So now I urge you:
Be vulgar and crude!
I like it when children
Are boorish and rude.

Burp at the table!
Gargle your peas!
Never say 'Thank you,' 
'Your Welcome,' Or
'Please.'

Talk back to your mother!
Don't do what you're told!
Stick your tongue out
At your Dad if he scolds.

Drive everyone crazy!
I really don't care.
Act like a jerk
Anytime, Anywhere!

I'm changing the rules!
The Bad girls and boys
Will be, from now on,
The ones who get the toys!

Good little kids make 
Me sick, its no joke
Sincerely, signed Santa

...And Then I awoke.

I hate being good
(Or  trying to fake it).
Six days until Christmas
I don't think I'll make it.

Tyrannosaur Poem

Eighty million years ago,
back in the late Cretaceous,
lived the great Tyrannosaur,
a fearsome and predacious
therapod of monstrous size!
He weighed six tons or more!
He epitomized the concept of killer carnivore!

His jaws had teeth like railroad spikes,
with fore and aft serrations!
This dental hardware was designed
for quick eviscerations!
With thrashing bites and awful roars
the T. Rex would attack!
He was, it's clear, a savage
Mesozoic maniac!

Imagine, then, the panic caused,
the horror and the mayhem,
when this monster came to town
and ate some folks this A.M.!
It was a sight few will forget!
He lunged into the crowd!
The multitude became unglued!
Their screams were long and loud!

People pushed to get away!
The elderly and small
were trampled underfoot by the
advancing human wall!
Little Tim was on an errand
with his brother Howard
they dawdled by the candy shop
and both boys were devoured.

A camera crew from channel three
arrived in town to give
a live report.  At this they failed,
because they didn't live.
At last the menace ate his fill.
The big Tyrannosaur
stomped away to parts unknown
where he had lived before.

Tyrannosaurs, though rarely seen,
are certainly still around.
And no one knows just where or when
the next one will be found.

Mom:  Blow your nose dear.
Calvin:  Ackgth! Pth! Nnggrr!

...Except me.

An Ode To Tigers

The zebra's stripes are lacking hues,
so they don't compare to you-know-whose.
Orange, black, and white is what to wear!
It's haute couture
for those who dare!
It's camouflage,
and stylish, too!
Yes, tigers look
the best, it's true!

The Pernicious Poem

This is a poem, please do as your told:
Here is a bucket of water ice cold.
Please take this water and dump it on me,
Do not hesitate, do it ASAP!

Mother's Day

I was going to buy you
a card with hearts of pink and red,
but then I thought
I'd rather spend the money on me instead. 
It's awfully hard to buy things
when one's allowance is so small,
so, I guess you're pretty lucky
I got you anything at all.

Happy Mother's Day to you.
There I said it. Now, I'm done.
So, how 'bout getting out of bed,
and cooking breakfast for your son?"

Tiger Aphorisms 

Until you stalk and
overrun
You can't devour
anyone.

Tiger Buying Song

How much is that tiger in the window?
The one that does nothing but sleep? 
We spread him out flat in the rec room 
And have a new rug if hes cheap!

Pooped Tiger

Still and quiet feline form,
In the sun, asleep and warm.
His tail is limp, his whiskers drooped.
Man, what could make this cat so pooped?

Cooked Tiger

Tiger sprawling in the sun!
Fast asleep, his day is done.
Lying there, t'was warmth he sought.
The sun has made his tummy hot.
One sad fact he overlooked:
His brain is now completely cooked!

The Spider's Song

Like delicate lace,
So the threads intertwine.
Oh, gossamer web
Of wond'rous design!
Such beauty and grace
Wild nature produces ...
Ughh, look at the spider
Suck out that bug's juices!